When The Bubble Bursts...

After feeling like I had been wrapped up in a cosy blanket, all warm and fuzzy inside, my bubble of happiness popped with a bang on day five after my darling girl, Blu, arrived into this busy, new and a little daunting world.

And oh, how that bubble burst. When I think back to that daunting day five, I smile now, but I can safely say I’ve never felt emotionally drained like I did that day. I woke up feeling relatively fine but before I knew it, I couldn’t even look at Luna without my eyes filling with water and having to look away before she saw the tears streaming down my face.

Mum. Guilt.

If I’m honest I can’t really pinpoint what set me off that day. I guess it was a combination of lack of sleep, a closed nursery for the summer holidays (so trying to keep Luna busy), the stress of planning a fourth birthday party, my body aching and adjusting to everything else that comes with a new baby.

Blu had been quite grizzly in the evenings and we were still learning her ways. Our evenings were usually ‘our’ time. Just Daddy, Luna and I cuddled up in her bed for story time and a cuddle before she slept. All of a sudden that was taken away from me and I was struggling to figure out how this fourth member of our family was meant to ‘slot in’, like so many people had told me she would.

There had yet to be a night where the three of us did ‘our’ bedtime and my heart was hurting at the thought.

“Can you put her down now Mummy?”

“Why is she back in my room?”

“Her cries are hurting my ears mummy.”

Those were just some of the phrases that assisted with the bursting of my bubble. Luna was - and is - a relatively good girl, but she was struggling to adjust too. And rightly so, almost four years of having undivided attention from mummy and daddy is a long time for a little person.

Jo just had to hug me and the water streamed from my eyes. That day, he set up his tent in the garage for himself and Luna to have a movie night and sleepover (albeit she still landed up in her own bed). I felt like she hadn't done anything fun for days so it was a little treat for them complete with snacks and fairy lights.

When they went out to the garage, I rocked Blu in the living room to try and settle her, and with my oversized nighty, post labour pains and always padded pants, I howled, as I listened to my biggest girl having fun with her Daddy.

I wanted to be with her. But my heart was being pulled in two different directions.

I felt completely overwhelmed with love, thinking how lucky I was that I had these two beautiful girls to love yet torn with guilt wondering if I had changed Luna’s perfect little life, for the worse.

I remember a friend telling me she can’t remember life without her younger sister and how I needed to hear those worlds. “You’ve given her the best gift”, she told me.

With Luna, the 'baby blues' hit me around day ten, but they were nothing like they were this time round. I think my wobble lasted around an hour with her, not the full day like it did this time.

Looking back, that day is a distant memory now, thankfully. And we are finding our feet with our routine as a family of four. Tonight I’m typing this after both girls are bedded, and after we’ve read Luna her story together. We’ve done it plenty times now.

I think of that day with a smile on my face as it’s part of the experience I’ve had with this precious new baby, and I’ll be able to tell her all about it if and when she comes to have children of her own.

The ‘baby blues’ are very real, I know a lot of mums, and I’m not exaggerating – within my closest circle of friends I can count over thirty five children.  Add on top of that a public Instagram account where I speak to mums daily…

Some mums – and dads – manage to avoid it, but know that if its something you’ve suffered or are suffering you are not alone. And there is help out there if you need it.

That night, of dreadful day five, Jo hugged me as I sobbed (some more) in bed. “We’ll get there,” he said. And I can safely say we ‘got there’. I can't imagine our family without baby Blu.

The mum guilt has lessened now, although I don’t know if it ever goes away as you always find something else to be guilty about… but I certainly feel like we have adjusted to this new life with four in the house. When Blu hears Luna’s voice her eyes search round the room to spot her big sister, and sometimes when I pop to the kitchen I come back to Luna singing her a song to ‘make her happy’, and I know that we did right by giving her a baby sister.

If you’re a mum of multiple children, I’m sure this sounds all too familiar and you look back on your baby blue days with a wee smile. Can you remember them being so tiny?

And if you’re a soon to be mama, reach out for a helpful hand or a hug if you need it, you are not alone in this new world!

You got this.