'Just A Second...'

The phrase I didn’t know would come with my second child, ‘just a second’. 

Nine weeks have passed since Blu joined our little team. We don’t get to sit on the sofa for as long as I’d like and snuggle, nor do I dress her up with matching socks and head bands each day. Our pram walks are on a time schedule and sometimes she has to cry, ‘just a second’, longer than I’d like.  

You see, unlike my maternity days with my first baby girl, our days as a family of four are busy. They are filled with nursery walks, play dates, lots of screen time and a hell of a lot of noise.  

Between feeds, Blu will spend most of her day on the play mat or in the swing, whilst I either tend to her big sister's needs, run around the house trying to make it look like I’ve attempted to clean or I’ll be grabbing something else from the snack box to silence the ‘I’m hungry’, moans. 

And in the evening, I must admit I sometimes look forward to Luna’s bedtime, because I know it gives me, ‘just a second’ to enjoy Blu without her asking me to do something or wondering when it will be her turn to get Mummy back again. 

Sometimes it’s Luna who will hear me say, ‘just a second’, as I make the next bottle or change a nappy. She’s having to wait longer than she’s used to, and it’s been an adjustment, for both of us. 

My biggest girl taught me how to be a mum, and my baby Blu, has taught me how to embrace being a mum.  

I don’t panic buy the items other mums are speaking about, I don’t frantically search google if something in her routine has changed and most importantly, I’ve stopped comparing.  

I am still getting to know her, as she is getting to know me. But she has taught me so much already.  

She has showed me that I can be patient. Some days I have to work really hard at it, but I’m trying to remind myself to breathe before tackling each situation. Four-year-olds are hard work, and Blu doesn’t like to wait long for her bottle, so I’m also teaching her how to be a little patient too! And Instead of my initial reaction to Luna’s requests being, ‘just a second’, I’m taking a second to pause and weigh up what’s important in that moment, and sometimes folding the washing can wait a little longer. 

Being a mum of two has taught me that I can (and need to) slow down. Nine whole weeks have gone already, I feel like I’ve only just blinked and we got here. I’m slowly learning that the cleaning, the ironing and the tidying will still be there when Blu is having a better day and wants to nap a little longer than usual. Wax melts have become my new best friend, for some reason the house feels clean if it smells good.  

And whilst those jobs aren’t being done, I’m embracing my two girls. Each tiny first smile and each jigsaw piece. I’m no longer looking towards the next milestone and instead I’m enjoying every sound Blu makes as she begins to find her voice, the smell of her (the good and bad ones) and watching her sleep peacefully by my bedside.  

Although she isn’t my first, she is all of my lasts and I’m holding on to these moments a bit longer this time.  

This time round, I’ve learned to love myself. Two times this body, although it now has a bit of a jiggle to it, has birthed two beautiful babies. I am beyond lucky that I carried and birthed the two of them so easily. My old jeans fit again, and although my boobs are a little more to the south, I carry myself taller, and am so much less critical than I was as a first time mum. I used to make sure I had a full face of makeup on and no signs of baby sick before I went to each singing class or toddler group. A quick five minute fix is the best it gets these days, and do you know something, I don't care anymore.

I’ve learned that I can be strong, and weak. And it’s ok to admit to both. Some days we power on after a rough night, and other days, we keep our pyjamas on, ‘just a second’ longer than usual.  

But most importantly, Blu has taught me that my love is limitless. I had so many fears before she arrived that I wouldn’t have space in my heart, and how wrong I was. She arrived and, in that instant, my heart grew. My two perfect girls.  

Blu might not have made me a mummy, but she has definitely made me a better one. Being ‘mummy’ to these two girls means putting myself second. There will be a time when they don’t need me, and my heart already aches at the thought of that day.

And I know for sure that I'll look back on these years and hope they lasted, ‘just a second’ longer...