Living with mental health 'issues'...

The first thing I want to do before I share this post is thank each and every one of you who have visited my page, read my blogs, watched our newly launched YouTube channel and messaged me to say how helpful and relatable you’ve found them. Back when I made my Instagram page public in February, I really just wanted to create a space where mums felt comfortable without judgement. It’s been important to me that I ‘keep it real’ and although I’ll admit I am partial to a filter – I mean my pregnancy hormones aren’t exactly working in my face's favour – I really do try to keep the content as open and truthful as possible. 

With that in mind, what you are about to read is probably the most personal piece I've shared so far about us as a family. I was a bit unsure as to whether this was something I wanted to share with the world, but thought if it can help one family, and highlight these common issues that are so often brushed under the carpet, then I've achieved the goal of creating a safe platform for parents to visit and raised awareness at the same time. 

I must add that Jo has given his full consent to this piece, and has gone through it with me, a few times, before we've made it 'public'. It was a time in our life that we don’t talk about much now, so it’s been a few weeks in the making, me going over how I could put it all into words over and over in my head, as well as having to recall some of the parts of it that I’d happily forget. But here goes… please be kind. 

Luna was around three months old when our evening conversations were few and far between. I could tell there was something underlying, but with a history of mental health illnesses in my family, I knew that I couldn’t force anything out of him unless he was willing to talk. I’d often ask how are you feeling today, ‘fine’, would be the reply, and the next thing we’d say to each other would be ‘goodnight’, almost three - excruciating - hours later. 

I distanced myself from it for a couple of weeks, Luna was so little, and still finding her place in our world. If you’ve seen our other posts you’ll know she had a milk intolerance so her first few months - along with ours – weren’t easy. More than once we questioned our decision to become parents. I too had my days of struggle, like I said she wasn't easy, so I wondered if I just ignored it the 'issues', maybe they would disappear.

Then I got a text, it was quite waffly, but it was the request for help I was so desperate to read. In the text, he’d said he wanted to tell me everything the night before but struggled to figure out how to get it into words and didn’t want to admit there was, ‘something wrong with him’. 

I felt a variety of emotions after I read that text, I was upset because I knew he’d been struggling and I didn’t know how long he’d been trying to hide it and equally happy, because I knew that he’d be feeling so relieved to finally get it off his chest. That night we decided it would be a good idea for him to write down how he’d been feeling and to take it from there. 

If you know us, you'll be aware that Jo’s never been one for many words, so I half expected a few bullet points covering the basics. What he handed me his 'thoughts', all six pages of them, it made me realise there was more to it than what he was letting on. The words covered a variety of issues, but they mostly came down to him worrying about being able to provide for us as a family, something happening to Luna, something happening to me, Luna being bullied in school, how difficult he found it when she cried… the list went on. There had obviously been so many worries just bubbling away inside of him. 

For a short time, he felt a bit better for getting things out in the open, and he felt like the weight was lifted off his shoulders. He was adamant he didn’t want to be ‘put on pills’, but I knew that it was something we couldn’t just ignore. Over a short space of time, his hobbies changed, and he developed a new found love for photography and being outdoors. Living in Scotland, it was no surprise that he found peace being out and about, and he definitely benefited from having a night away, just himself, to think and simply be in silence. 

Eventually, he agreed it would be a good idea to see his doctor and had an appointment a month or so later. The doctor mentioned that it could be anxiety, and arranged for some blood tests too just to rule out anything else. His doctor also suggested he saw a counsellor and it finally felt like we were getting somewhere. I was a bit apprehensive of how open he'd actually be, but I knew seeing a professional was a much needed step.

His first appointment with her went really well, and when she asked him if he felt anxious, she broke down the barrier he’d been holding up to the rest of us. I think for him, being able to speak to someone completely separate from our situation really helped and I could feel the difference in his energy when he walked in the door that night. He was put on sertraline, an anti-depressant, and had a few more meetings with his councillor. By the June, a couple of months before Luna turned one, she was really happy with his progress and agreed that those sessions could be stopped unless he felt the need for them again. 

I won’t delve into the reasonings why the anxiety came about because I think the most important thing was Jo’s admission that he needed the help. And I really believe that was the first necessary step.

They say that the people we become has a lot to do with our childhood and upbringing and although we both equally had fantastic childhoods, we are both from separated families, so I think a few of the issues could have stemmed from this. I think the biggest worry for him was that he may not be able to, or something would prevent him, from being able to provide us with a perfect family home. Which lets face it, doesn’t really exist. We all have our flaws, some days we have are good, others medium, and others bad... but we power on and get through them as best as we can together. 

To us, our home is perfect, and if anything this experience we had together brought us closer as a couple. There was definitely a worry about us going back for a second child after experiencing this the first time, but Jo knows he is a fantastic Dad. Fair enough poopy nappies weren’t his speciality, but providing he isn’t working late or is away (which is few and far between) he is there for every bath or shower, story and bedtime. So much so, that if for any reason I’m going it alone one night, Luna is an absolute nightmare without her Daddy lying next to her for her bedtime snuggle. 

Living with mental health shouldn’t be frowned upon or judged and this post may even come as a surprise to many of our family and friends who would be none the wiser to what we went experienced a few years ago. But here we are, at the other side, keeping it real and hoping we can normalise an ‘issue’ which is so much more common than a lot of people realise.

We are absolutely no experts on this matter, but we are just a message away if you want to speak to an outsider. Please don't struggle alone.

'The Lawrences'